jinxed i am... jinxed i will be !!!

i am just not astonished... my life has been a roller-coaster ride ever since the day i was born.it feels nice to be the king of fuck-ups now. the most unexpected can be expected from me :=) but then that's me. take me or leave me. it's a package deal.

it was thrilling to get a job with one of the best bankers in the industries. in fact, one doesn't get bigger than that so soon. but then it was me... mumbai for a week was one of the worst nightmares i have had since the one that helped me wet my bed in the early and late days of my teen life. it was about these two guys who were on their best to throw me off a high-rise building. i used to get up in mid-air, feeling warm (read wet).

peeing in your shorts was better than mumbai. the place sucked. no friends no home. no food no life. after all that i am composed of, i start striving with life again. still i hit a compromise. but then it was work that came on. fuckin' shitty work. someone else pees and i clean. before this day i had never dreamt of myself being a work oriented guy. it was always money that i wanted. i even used to call myself a "corporate whore". you pay me more you take me home. screw me as much till i find a new client, who again... pays me more. and yeah, the movie is not complete if i do not mention the pimps... the placement guys.

it took a lot of courage and impulsive wisdom on my part to get back to motherland, DELHI. i left a lot in mumbai. the property brokers are missing me. i even overheard one of them calling me a "murgi" when i was around his office. bastards.

my office was fantabulous. but then it wasn't meant to be. my brother always told me that this job was a springboard for me. hey bro, do not doubt your younger sib, he'll find another springboard very soon, and a better one. it's just that he's a bit low now. let him be in his shell. he'll pop out when the sun wants to shine on him:=)

now i'll be at noida for sometime. i need to relax. a rishikesh would do. or even a manali. but i need to be away from the city with my looser friends for a while. i need to enjoy life as it is and as i am. talking about loosers, it was raman who came to pick me up at the airport after i finally ended my mumbai saga day before. i had taken an international flight mumbai to delhi which landed at 2am. as expected, the tall dude was waiting in his favourite tattered jeans. ironically, it was a lollypop he was sucking on. he intends to quit smoking. his optra could take my 97kgs of luggage, all in a go. the drive from the airport was soothening. i was home. finally....

we landed at the coffee shop @ mauryas at about 3am. i had a cold coffee while he sipped his milk shake. we had an intense talk about being lonely in a foreign state. he narrated his first 2 years in the US when he was the only indian in his college. i saw his eyes flooded. he surely isn't the lonely types. i just knew what he was talking about.

so were home by 4am. dad was happy to have me home. we have now shared a chemistry like never before. it is now that i am fond of him more than anything. we have intense talks about anything and everything. i like him as a human being and it's always good to learn a couple of new things from him passively now and then. mom too was happy.
but then i still see and feel a void in their happiness. they know that something has severely gone wrong @ my end. i fucked it up somewhere. that's because i do it all the time. i know that they doubt my capability. in fact they don't, because i fuck it up all the time.
anyways, i have been weak lately. my knees have been heavy all throughout. i have been thinking a bit too much. i hope it takes a toll on me. wtf who cares man???

i met the hr lady from the place that i would be joining on monday. she has promised me some real good work. i hope it is.... even if it isn't, big shit. i do not have another option for quiet sometime.

God, please wake me up. tell me that this is a dream. a real bad one. make things the way they were when i liked them. you can't say that i didn't cherish them then. i always thanked you for it. i always told the world that this is what we really want. i was at home, playing tennis, squash, reading, having good food, with friends, my car...... fuck i had it all, with loads of happiness. fuck i have it all, less some happiness...